i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Randomize
