My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
