I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
