I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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