dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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