WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
