mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
