ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
