Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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