Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
