I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Randomize
