just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Randomize
