wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
