I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
