I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
