Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
