this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
