So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
