i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
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