well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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