Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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