please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
