If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
