So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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