Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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