I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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