What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
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