If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
