youre lurking in front of me
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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