I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
