and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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