hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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