Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
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