apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
