Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
