After last night, I could never be a politician.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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