dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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