the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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