I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
