Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
