How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Randomize
