A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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