I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
