So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
our cab driver is having phone sex.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
You are a genius and a whore.
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