Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
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