So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
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