Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
