I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
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