I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
