why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
do nipples grow back?
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