Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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