dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
