Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i came on her dog
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
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