4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?