Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.