she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
