Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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