when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
