I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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