if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Randomize
