Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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