The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
