I have demons in me.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
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