Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
