true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
